Me and Them

Of course she has to be in town this weekend. Saw her in the office today and I suspect she avoided me. I wonder if she knows about me. Ugh, I'm thinking about the Summer Picnic. Will they be together? Will either of them be eyeing me? Oh god, what am I going to do? How do I not look so foolish? It feels like Bridget Jones' Diary having to watch Daniel Cleaver and that American woman. Do I really need to see that?

How do I make myself rise to their level, or what they perceive to be that level? Go to a good grad school? Come from money? Get famous?

I Am Good Enough

Another lesson I learned is I am good enough. I mean, I couldn't believe he was attracted to me. He's got a high up position, works with the big whigs at work, and he wanted to date me. I didn't even know he knew who I was. He did, and he was interested.

The Cycle

I just got a great reminder that for every ending, there is a new beginning. And as I end this phase of my first dating relationship after my divorce, I suppose I should take a look at some lessons learned before I begin my new one:

1. I have to be honest, most importantly to myself. The talk I gave before about wanting to keep it casual was because I was afraid, and unsure, and quite frankly, I wanted to reject him before he rejected me.
2. I'm proud of myself for staying my Self. I didn't really change myself for him. In actually, I let myself shine.
3. He may be older and more successful, but I am much happier with my life. I am incredibly blessed and grateful for everything that I have.

I know I deserve more than what he gave me, so it is indeed better off that this is over. Granted, my ego is upset because it wasn't under my terms, but I am better off without him. As gentlemanly as he was, he wasn't the most considerate of friends. How could I put up with someone like that? Couldn't even say happy birthday. Clueless.

Reflections

I know the breakup isn't a reflection of me, but I can't help but feel those pangs of rejection that I've been all too familiar with my whole life.

But this isn't about me. He wanted something different in his life. He had already created an attachment to Trisha, a while before I got in the picture. She was his first relationship after his divorce.

But I did like him. I did like trying something out. Maybe it wasn't him, but I liked dating someone I was attracted to, felt chemistry with and respected, who respected me, too.

So why does it hurt so badly? I need to remember that this isn't about me. That I did want something casual, that I'm not ready for that right relationship and now I'm closer. Much closer.

Lesson Learned -- again!

Oh fuck, I'd forgotten what heartache feels like and it's a feeling I wish could have stayed forgotten. That emptiness, that seemingly never-ending pit in my stomach. I don't understand. I mean I wasn't that into him. I didn't think I was. He never satisfied me, he never fulfilled me emotionally, physically and definitely not spiritually.

Maybe it's that lacking that I'm so used to. I hardly ever did have that in my life. Okay, so there was my ex-husband for a while, and we know how that ended up.

I don't want to be sober. I don't want to feel this way. I know it's supposed to be for the best, but this sucks. I tried to protect myself. SO WHY?

What the fuck is casual anyway? How the fuck do I actually do that? How was I able to do it before?

Unexpected News

Took out The Athlete for lunch today, and he broke the news to me that he's been seeing someone and it's gotten serious enough that they're exclusive (again). I'm not completely surprised, I was kind of warned this would happen. And I was warned it would happen soon. I guess I just wasn't expecting right now. Or I just forgot. Or I just hoped. Or . . .

I was fine at the time, but now that I've had a little while to let it sink in, I realize that I'm really sad about it. Not that I wanted to develop a committed relationship with him, but that now we can't exactly be friends. I don't want our friendship to end. I was really looking forward to our friendship. He says he was, too, but it would probably be difficult for her.

Why would he do this? She lives in Seattle and he's moving to DC! We were both looking forward to having friends there, but now. I mean, WTF? Not smart, not smart on his part. Why would he do this? What is he thinking?

It's fear. I know he's afraid of being totally alone. Maybe my talk with him about keeping it casual knocked him into some bit of fear into commitment. Kind of like The Agent. Is it some bit of fear that if things don't go well with one woman, they stick to the one they've got? And why her? Ok, she's young, she's smart, she's somewhat cute, and kinda frumpy like him. I just wish she were a better person.

Fuck, I need to get a better job. That might be part of it.

Time for that Talk

There comes a point in relationships (if they last long enough) to have a talk about where it's going and I'm wondering if it's about that time with The Athlete. It's been almost 4 months, which may sound like quite a while, but considering we've been long-distance and also very casual, perhaps it's too soon.

But now he may be moving to DC. He had his second round of interviews and sounds like they're very interested.

Uh oh

It's been almost 2 years since my ex-husband and I broke up and I'm finally dating someone -- kinda sorta. It's casual, we had to establish that from the get-go. He is still in the process of getting divorced and I was in the process of moving across the country. I would get ample opportunities to go back, about once a month, sometimes more, so we could see each other quasi-regularly, but . . .

I'm back at that stage again, where I obsess over the person I'm involved with, whether the person is good or bad for me. I haven't quite figured out about where helies quite yet. I mean, he's a good guy, but he's also not ready. He has a temper . . . face it, he's curmudgeonly, although not to me. OK, not yet. This happened with my ex.