Face It

"To become fully developed human beings, we must confront both our devils and our angels. If we can do this successfully, we free ourselves from the illustion of who we think we are." -- Angeles Arrien

I'm at the point in my life right now where I don't know who I am, or what I am anymore. I know I'm not this life that I am currently living and yet I am having the hardest time moving away from it. I am scared, so scared. Scared to leave the life I know, a life that is somewhat safe, and also somewhat miserable.

I encourage people to do it all the time. That taking that step, that leap of faith offers them a degree of success they never thought possible. And it is my turn now. And yet, I find myself so paralyzed.

Loud and Clear

Messages come in the strangest ways. They say God first speaks to you in whispers and yesterday, I'd say it was in bullhorns. I decided to turn on the tv while I was getting ready and flipping the channels, I caught the very beginning of Xanadu. It was the opening scene with the main character, the Andy Gibb lookalike dude, struggling with a sketch. I know that feeling, when I'm ready to sit down and write my masterpiece novel. What the heck do I say? But I was so excited to have the movie on. I love that movie and while I knew I would have a long day on the road, I decided not to leave until the movie was over.

It's about a struggling, yet talented artist who decides to pursue his dreams pursuing his own art, only to discover his lack of inspiration, and thus lack of income, so he goes back to the job he sorely dislikes. But then both inspiration and opportunity come to him, in the form of Olivia Newton-John as a muse and Gene Kelly as his business partner. Thanks to them, Andy is able to leave his job once again . . . for good.

In the car, I started listening to Wayne Dyer's CDs, Call to Inspiration about being inspired, meaning getting back to Spirit, and his big message was about taking that one big step to live your dream. The big step that came to my mind was leaving my job in order to be free to build my practice and have time to write my bestselling novel. Have time to network, have the identity and have the opportunity to do what I am here to do on this earth, help people overcome their obstacles. And yet, I have this huge obstacle right in front of me.

I know this is what I need to do, but how to do it? It's more than just giving my 2 week notice. I have bills, lots of them. I have rent. I have an appetite. If I could have one wish, it would be to have a financial windfall so that I could sustain myself without my foundation job. Enough to pay off all my bills, have savings large enough that I could live off the interest, and have even more left over to invest in my business. What's funny is I actually think this is a possibility.

I know what I need to do. I just need to know how. Maybe I should buy lottery tickets along the way home.

Eternal Flames

There are certain people you know you will love forever. The type of love and the intensity of the love may change, but there will always be love.

Yesterday, I got to see someone, whom for many years, I considered "the love of my life." Oh god, I hope not. It was an unrequited love, not at all the type of love I would want symbolic of my life. I did love him nonetheless, and seeing him yesterday, I know I still do.

Two Weeks

TO STRIVE, TO SEEK, TO FIND.

AND NOT TO YIELD.

Written on a chalkboard at the very end of the movie One Week. Interesting mantra to inspire me on this road adventure I'm about to undertake, to drive my car from the old Washington (state) to the new Washington (DC). I didn't think I was seeking anything, not even the inevitable adventure part, but I suppose it's actually a new vision quest I have begun.

While, unlike the movie's main character, I have not been diagnosed with a terminal disease (thank God), but we both seek new life somehow. My transition to life on the East Coast almost complete, I get the feeling the real transition is yet to come.

I mean, I know the move to DC was the right next step in my life, but it just doesn't feel as magical as it did before. I would get this visceral feeling every time I landed there. I didn't just walk down the streets, I would strut. (OK, I still strut.) This immense joy and excitement emanated from my pores. But now, now I am just feeling lost.

I don't regret the move. Quite the contrary. Yet, there's something else. Maybe it's the reality of my job, the stuckness of it. The monotany, the hypocrisy, the go-nowhere-bs that I've been dealing with the majority of my professional career. Sometimes, I'd rather stab the backs of my eyeballs with pins, or pull out my fingernails, than show up to work or deal with some of the tasks I have to. God forbid my boss doesn't get a Starwood hotel!

There has to be something more. I know there is.

I feel bad for feeling this way. I mean, my work has been pretty good to me, as good as they can be. And my boss has been pretty generous with me. Just like this trip to Seattle. I apparently wasn't supposed to go, but my boss let me still, knowing I was planning my drive from there. She did say we had to be mindful about budget, but is she? She's one of the the biggest violators I know, with her insistence on her preferred hotels and renting cars for $50/day plus overnight parking for another $50. To get to the office by taxi is about $10 each way. Talk about humble and mindful.

Me and Them

Of course she has to be in town this weekend. Saw her in the office today and I suspect she avoided me. I wonder if she knows about me. Ugh, I'm thinking about the Summer Picnic. Will they be together? Will either of them be eyeing me? Oh god, what am I going to do? How do I not look so foolish? It feels like Bridget Jones' Diary having to watch Daniel Cleaver and that American woman. Do I really need to see that?

How do I make myself rise to their level, or what they perceive to be that level? Go to a good grad school? Come from money? Get famous?

I Am Good Enough

Another lesson I learned is I am good enough. I mean, I couldn't believe he was attracted to me. He's got a high up position, works with the big whigs at work, and he wanted to date me. I didn't even know he knew who I was. He did, and he was interested.

The Cycle

I just got a great reminder that for every ending, there is a new beginning. And as I end this phase of my first dating relationship after my divorce, I suppose I should take a look at some lessons learned before I begin my new one:

1. I have to be honest, most importantly to myself. The talk I gave before about wanting to keep it casual was because I was afraid, and unsure, and quite frankly, I wanted to reject him before he rejected me.
2. I'm proud of myself for staying my Self. I didn't really change myself for him. In actually, I let myself shine.
3. He may be older and more successful, but I am much happier with my life. I am incredibly blessed and grateful for everything that I have.

I know I deserve more than what he gave me, so it is indeed better off that this is over. Granted, my ego is upset because it wasn't under my terms, but I am better off without him. As gentlemanly as he was, he wasn't the most considerate of friends. How could I put up with someone like that? Couldn't even say happy birthday. Clueless.